HALF ALIVE AND HALF DEAD

They  say you can’t miss what you’ve never had

Well I’m here to tell you that’s a big, fat, fucking lie

Today is my mother’s birthday

And I have missed her for my whole life

I don’t care ’bout your opinion

I don’t care  ’bout your thoughts

This is my heart, not yours and if I tell you I’ve missed my mother since the day she died-

Fuck you for making light of it

October 19th always comes and I feel a dreadful heaviness

I want to cry but the tears don’t come

I want to scream and I do silently from deep inside my soul, where no one on earth hears me

My silent screams ricochet into a fantastic echo, resonating into heaven’s outskirts

As I get older this doesn’t get better

They say time heals all wounds….well, what about this one?

Why hasn’t time taken away this sting?

Good God! Why oh why, must I feel like this?

I won’t fight how I feel or it will persist

I sit here embracing this void

I sit here embracing this old, cold pain in my heart

I sit here with a tight knot in my stomach

I sit here holding my breath…for what?

I have no idea

Souls that connect will miss each other even if the connection was brief

Oh how I miss you, Mama

I have traveled this galaxy in search of you

My tears are strewn about The Milky Way

I look up at the heavens always trying to somehow make my way back to you

I ask The Big Dipper to dip into the vast expanse of the deepest heavens…to transport you back to me

I talk to The North Star and I ask Him to never let you forget me… to never let you forget us

I talk to the moon and I ask her to light your path and to somehow keep a vigil for me

How ironic- that you keep a vigil for me and not I for you

But you see, life here in the now is tough as of late

And sometimes I go to sleep at night only to wake up feeling half alive and half dead

And I know where you currently reside has to be a place teeming with life

Because there’s got to be a place that is way better than here

There’s gotta be a time that is better than this hour

So say a prayer for those of us here, Mama dear

Say a prayer for those you left behind,Mama dear

Keep your light on for me because I so desperately wanna make it back to you

Go to that fountain

There, in the midst of that garden

Right at the foot of that sacred mountain

Look at your reflection in that ever clear, crystal pool

And I hope you see me there, waiting to catch a glimpse of you

I hope I see you there,waiting from this side of life, for you to reflect love back to me….

EVA SANTIAGO copyright 2014

 

Sea Glass

sea glass beachYou picked me up from an unfathomable collection of sea glass

Held me to the light

Pleased with my brilliance

As the sun shone through

My opaque hues

Became an iridescent array of countless shades of color

From sky blue to cobalt

From cotton candy pink to sizzling magenta

From mint to emerald

From lavender to amethyst

I mesmerized you…

For so many years you studied me

You remained a student of me

Yet never fully grasped the subject

You grew frustrated

With each failed test

So you set out to:

Dominate, control and master: ME

You figured if you mastered me you’d be able to break into my heart’s code

That vault that once held as much treasure as the ocean’s floor for you

You became angrier with each passing year

When I could not, would not, should not fear-you

So you became a battering ram

In your weak attempt of getting through to me

You failed too

Had you only considered for a split second

To just ask me

I would have gladly handed you over my secret code…

sea glass beach 2

EVA SANTIAGO copyright 2014

Will I Ever Know the Outer Fringes of You?

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Will I ever know the outer fringes of you?

Will I ever let you know mine?

What can be found in your out skirts?

I’ll tell you what you might find in mine…

A slow down sign or two

A proceed with caution sign too

I’ll only roll out the red carpet to welcome you into my inner city

IF and only when I find you  worthy

In my outer city limits you’ll see a cheap motel

For the lone traveler just passing through

Stay the night and no longer than that

You’ll also find a cheap diner

Where you  can eat on the go

You’ll find a gas station

One with several sun faded signs

Where gas is just 10 cents a gallon

I want you to hurry and fuel up

So you can leave as fast as you can.

EVA SANTIAGO copyright 2014

 

Dying to Live, Loving to Die

What goes
Is what you let go
What stays is what you welcome
What flourishes
Is what you nurture
What dies
Is what you starve
What Fails
Is what you discouraged
What blooms
Is what you pruned
What is, is what you allowed
What is not, is what you dismissed
What you run away from
Is what will catch up with you
What you abandoned
Is what haunts you
What you refused to acknowledge
Is what will scream at you
In your loneliest of nights
The lie you told
Will tell on you
The truth you with held
Will annihilate you
The love you denied
Will embitter you
The hate you embraced
Will cripple you
You think you only die once?
Fools die stung by their own bitter gall
You think you only die once?
We’ve all been dying since the day we were born.

EVA SANTIAGO copyright 2014

heaven

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The Sea Owns the Tide

The sea owns the tide
Just like the moon owns the night
Just like the sun owns the day
Just like the stars own the sapphire hued heavens
Just like the light owns the dark
Just like the darkness owns nothing
Just like nothing owns the abyss

The sea owns the tide
Just like the grave owns life
Just like life owns all that is everlasting
Because death is not final

The sea owns the tide
Just like hatred owns what’s bitter
Just like the honey comb owns sweet nectar
Just like life owns breath
Just like blood owns life-
For the life of a thing is in its blood

The sea owns the tide
Just like summer owns growth
Just like fall owns decay
Just like winter owns stillness
Just like spring owns new life

The sea owns the tide
There’s never a way of knowing
Which way it’s gonna turn
The tide is high
It’s time to move on

EVA SANTIAGO copyright 2014

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LEAVING NORMAL

What does it mean to bring a new life into this world?
It means:
To love more
To hate less
To care more
To put an and to carelessness
To say more with fewer words
To put your love into action
And talk less trash
To feel more and stop numbing yourself
To leave your comfort zone
Only to find your trusted comfort zone, was actually more uncomfortable than you thought
You were just too afraid to admit it
To see more and stop turning a blind eye to life
To listen more and stop tuning life out with the noise you choose to filter the world through
To hear with your heart’s ear drum and follow that beat no matter where it takes you
To put away all those things that keep you blind, numb, deaf and dumb….

EVA SANTIAGO copyright 2014

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Mis Manos

I look at my hands
These hands that touched you first as you entered this life
They’re not extraordinary hands
They’ve not designed rocket ships
They’ve not drafted blue prints for a magnificent work of architecture
They’ve not operated on a human heart or brain
They’ve not touched millions of dollars
They’ve not been adorned with the most expensive of gold, silver and precious stones
They’ve not graced the latest fashion magazine covers
But I’ll tell you what they have done:
They have held babies from sun up ’til sun down
Wiped noses , bottoms and toes
Cooked, I can’t remember how many meals
Sewed, I lost track of the stitches and dresses
Disciplined several naughty toddlers
Wiped away, I forgot how many tears
Written so many words
On countless blank pages
Painted using fingers, brushes and knives
On many a canvas
Cleaned up the clutter
Washed all the clothes
And through it all, these hands that first touched you as you made your grand entrance
Into this great ,big world
Will always touch, caress and comfort you
I’ll hold your hand in mine
Together we’ll both learn of the mysteries of this universe.

EVA SANTIAGO copyright 2014

7heavens