HALF ALIVE AND HALF DEAD

They  say you can’t miss what you’ve never had

Well I’m here to tell you that’s a big, fat, fucking lie

Today is my mother’s birthday

And I have missed her for my whole life

I don’t care ’bout your opinion

I don’t care  ’bout your thoughts

This is my heart, not yours and if I tell you I’ve missed my mother since the day she died-

Fuck you for making light of it

October 19th always comes and I feel a dreadful heaviness

I want to cry but the tears don’t come

I want to scream and I do silently from deep inside my soul, where no one on earth hears me

My silent screams ricochet into a fantastic echo, resonating into heaven’s outskirts

As I get older this doesn’t get better

They say time heals all wounds….well, what about this one?

Why hasn’t time taken away this sting?

Good God! Why oh why, must I feel like this?

I won’t fight how I feel or it will persist

I sit here embracing this void

I sit here embracing this old, cold pain in my heart

I sit here with a tight knot in my stomach

I sit here holding my breath…for what?

I have no idea

Souls that connect will miss each other even if the connection was brief

Oh how I miss you, Mama

I have traveled this galaxy in search of you

My tears are strewn about The Milky Way

I look up at the heavens always trying to somehow make my way back to you

I ask The Big Dipper to dip into the vast expanse of the deepest heavens…to transport you back to me

I talk to The North Star and I ask Him to never let you forget me… to never let you forget us

I talk to the moon and I ask her to light your path and to somehow keep a vigil for me

How ironic- that you keep a vigil for me and not I for you

But you see, life here in the now is tough as of late

And sometimes I go to sleep at night only to wake up feeling half alive and half dead

And I know where you currently reside has to be a place teeming with life

Because there’s got to be a place that is way better than here

There’s gotta be a time that is better than this hour

So say a prayer for those of us here, Mama dear

Say a prayer for those you left behind,Mama dear

Keep your light on for me because I so desperately wanna make it back to you

Go to that fountain

There, in the midst of that garden

Right at the foot of that sacred mountain

Look at your reflection in that ever clear, crystal pool

And I hope you see me there, waiting to catch a glimpse of you

I hope I see you there,waiting from this side of life, for you to reflect love back to me….

EVA SANTIAGO copyright 2014

 

YOU HEARD MY SOUL

You heard my soul
My breath
My heart beat
My energy

I heard your soul
You baby sweet breath
Your tiny heart beat
Your new energy

The universe conspired
To line up our stars
To make sure all the glitter fell in all the right places
To make sure the constellations would align

You are here not here by happenstance
For I don’t believe in luck
Nor do I believe in chance or mere coincidence

You are here by some grand design
Bigger than both of us
I used to not believe in magic
But now I do
Magic is another word, a feeble attempt
To describe the mysteries of the universe
UNIVERSE:
One Poem
One Lyric
One Sonnet
One Line
One Ode

The universe let love in with:
One poem
One Lyric
One Sonnet
One Line
One Ode

Without love none of US would be here.

EVA SANTIAGO copyright 2014

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When in pain, I dig in the soil of my heart and I begin to sift through its debris. I begin to find shiny things , those I keep. I run across dull, opaque objects that I have to turn this way and that in order to grasp their full value. Sometimes those bits are just crap and I cast them aside. I don’t like to journal about the obvious things that are happening at the moment in my life. Why write about what I am currently living? It’s like watching the same movie for the 100th time and knowing how it’s going to end at minute two of the opening scene. I write when I am in pain because that is where I connect the most with myself.

LEAVING NORMAL

What does it mean to bring a new life into this world?
It means:
To love more
To hate less
To care more
To put an and to carelessness
To say more with fewer words
To put your love into action
And talk less trash
To feel more and stop numbing yourself
To leave your comfort zone
Only to find your trusted comfort zone, was actually more uncomfortable than you thought
You were just too afraid to admit it
To see more and stop turning a blind eye to life
To listen more and stop tuning life out with the noise you choose to filter the world through
To hear with your heart’s ear drum and follow that beat no matter where it takes you
To put away all those things that keep you blind, numb, deaf and dumb….

EVA SANTIAGO copyright 2014

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SOFT HEARTS/HARD HEARTS

Soft hearts don’t shatter
Hard hearts do
Soft hearts bend
Hard hearts are rigid
Soft hearts feel
Hard hearts are numb
Soft hearts weep a deluge
Hard hearts are dry like the desert
Soft hearts grow
Hard hearts stagnate
Soft hearts are sweet
Hard hearts are bitter
Soft hearts understand
Hard hearts twist
Soft hearts lament
Hard hearts are remorse free
Soft hearts see
Hard hearts are blind
Soft hearts listen
Hard hearts are deaf
Soft hearts reach out
Hard hearts draw back
Soft hearts stay open
Hard hearts are shut tight
Soft hearts forgive
Hard hearts never turn the other cheek
Soft hearts are teachable
Hard hearts know it all
Soft hearts give life
Hard hearts kill and mame
Soft hearts are child like
Hard hearts are childish
Soft hearts are generous
Hard hearts keep it all for themselves
Soft hearts love
Hard hearts fear
Soft hearts encourage
Hard hearts discourage
Soft hearts are dauntless
Hard hearts cower
Soft hearts speak softly
Hard hearts speak harshly
Soft hearts tell the truth
Hard hearts deny
Soft hearts are light
Hard hearts are dark
Soft hearts are scar covered
Hard hearts are intact
Soft hearts let love in
Hard hearts keep love out
Soft hearts are the antidote to hate
Hard hearts spread hate like multiplying cancer cells
Soft hearts:
May we know them
May we BE them
May we help hard hearts become soft.

EVA SANTIAGO copyright 2014

DECISIONS

The making up of your mind is a slow process
Everyday you make up your mind
A confrontation
A Decision
Must be made
Up ahead
At the place where the road turns
You must decide
No one leaves a marriage
On the spur of the moment
You don’t pull the plug
On some one on life support
On a split second decision
Big out comes are decided
Long before they happen….

EVA SANTIAGO copyright 2014

More Than This?

Who can love you more than this?
When I look at you
When I hold you
When I whisper your name
Who can love you more than this
When I look you in your eyes
When I tell you you’re a beautiful human being
Who can love you more than this
When I text you first thing
When I pray for you
Asking God to keep you safe
When I massage the stress out of your stressed out ,achy body
When I caress your face
Who?
Please tell me who can love you more than this
When I tell you I love your soul
I love your heart
I love your spirit
I love your mind
Tell me, who can love you more than this?
Now, won’t you do the same for me?

EVA SANTIAGO copyright 2014

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Written on Your Tomb Stone

What do you want your head stone to say?
What was your story?
Were you a mean son of a bitch?
Were you a crazy ass bitch?
What do you want written on your tomb stone?
Were you a heart breaker?
Were you a mender of hearts?
Were you an open wallet?
Were you a stingy penny pincher?
Were you a bitter slave?
Were you a happy free man?
Were you a train wreck?
Were you one who cleaned up after the wreck?
Were you selfish?
Were you a shy fish hiding in your shell?
Were you a flower who never bloomed?
Were you an opened up full of abundant life sun flower?
Was your heart a frozen tundra
Where people you were supposed to nurture died of starvation from your neglect?
Were you a fertile valley
Where people grew like trees
And the multitudes bloomed from your love?
Were you a discourager?
Were you an encourager?
Were you someone people ran from because all you caused them to feel was pain?
Did you draw people to you because of your love
Like a powerful magnet?
What will your head stone read?
Will there be a line of people at your wake
Tripping over themselves, waiting to eulogize you?
Will there be no one at your wake
Because no one bothered since you never bothered caring for others
What will your head stone read?

EVA SANTIAGO copyright2014