HALF ALIVE AND HALF DEAD

They  say you can’t miss what you’ve never had

Well I’m here to tell you that’s a big, fat, fucking lie

Today is my mother’s birthday

And I have missed her for my whole life

I don’t care ’bout your opinion

I don’t care  ’bout your thoughts

This is my heart, not yours and if I tell you I’ve missed my mother since the day she died-

Fuck you for making light of it

October 19th always comes and I feel a dreadful heaviness

I want to cry but the tears don’t come

I want to scream and I do silently from deep inside my soul, where no one on earth hears me

My silent screams ricochet into a fantastic echo, resonating into heaven’s outskirts

As I get older this doesn’t get better

They say time heals all wounds….well, what about this one?

Why hasn’t time taken away this sting?

Good God! Why oh why, must I feel like this?

I won’t fight how I feel or it will persist

I sit here embracing this void

I sit here embracing this old, cold pain in my heart

I sit here with a tight knot in my stomach

I sit here holding my breath…for what?

I have no idea

Souls that connect will miss each other even if the connection was brief

Oh how I miss you, Mama

I have traveled this galaxy in search of you

My tears are strewn about The Milky Way

I look up at the heavens always trying to somehow make my way back to you

I ask The Big Dipper to dip into the vast expanse of the deepest heavens…to transport you back to me

I talk to The North Star and I ask Him to never let you forget me… to never let you forget us

I talk to the moon and I ask her to light your path and to somehow keep a vigil for me

How ironic- that you keep a vigil for me and not I for you

But you see, life here in the now is tough as of late

And sometimes I go to sleep at night only to wake up feeling half alive and half dead

And I know where you currently reside has to be a place teeming with life

Because there’s got to be a place that is way better than here

There’s gotta be a time that is better than this hour

So say a prayer for those of us here, Mama dear

Say a prayer for those you left behind,Mama dear

Keep your light on for me because I so desperately wanna make it back to you

Go to that fountain

There, in the midst of that garden

Right at the foot of that sacred mountain

Look at your reflection in that ever clear, crystal pool

And I hope you see me there, waiting to catch a glimpse of you

I hope I see you there,waiting from this side of life, for you to reflect love back to me….

EVA SANTIAGO copyright 2014

 

Sea Glass

sea glass beachYou picked me up from an unfathomable collection of sea glass

Held me to the light

Pleased with my brilliance

As the sun shone through

My opaque hues

Became an iridescent array of countless shades of color

From sky blue to cobalt

From cotton candy pink to sizzling magenta

From mint to emerald

From lavender to amethyst

I mesmerized you…

For so many years you studied me

You remained a student of me

Yet never fully grasped the subject

You grew frustrated

With each failed test

So you set out to:

Dominate, control and master: ME

You figured if you mastered me you’d be able to break into my heart’s code

That vault that once held as much treasure as the ocean’s floor for you

You became angrier with each passing year

When I could not, would not, should not fear-you

So you became a battering ram

In your weak attempt of getting through to me

You failed too

Had you only considered for a split second

To just ask me

I would have gladly handed you over my secret code…

sea glass beach 2

EVA SANTIAGO copyright 2014

Dying to Live, Loving to Die

What goes
Is what you let go
What stays is what you welcome
What flourishes
Is what you nurture
What dies
Is what you starve
What Fails
Is what you discouraged
What blooms
Is what you pruned
What is, is what you allowed
What is not, is what you dismissed
What you run away from
Is what will catch up with you
What you abandoned
Is what haunts you
What you refused to acknowledge
Is what will scream at you
In your loneliest of nights
The lie you told
Will tell on you
The truth you with held
Will annihilate you
The love you denied
Will embitter you
The hate you embraced
Will cripple you
You think you only die once?
Fools die stung by their own bitter gall
You think you only die once?
We’ve all been dying since the day we were born.

EVA SANTIAGO copyright 2014

heaven

hiding_behind_the_mask_by_kodih-d4ryrxe-500x688

YOU HEARD MY SOUL

You heard my soul
My breath
My heart beat
My energy

I heard your soul
You baby sweet breath
Your tiny heart beat
Your new energy

The universe conspired
To line up our stars
To make sure all the glitter fell in all the right places
To make sure the constellations would align

You are here not here by happenstance
For I don’t believe in luck
Nor do I believe in chance or mere coincidence

You are here by some grand design
Bigger than both of us
I used to not believe in magic
But now I do
Magic is another word, a feeble attempt
To describe the mysteries of the universe
UNIVERSE:
One Poem
One Lyric
One Sonnet
One Line
One Ode

The universe let love in with:
One poem
One Lyric
One Sonnet
One Line
One Ode

Without love none of US would be here.

EVA SANTIAGO copyright 2014

IMG_0034

IMG_0037

When in pain, I dig in the soil of my heart and I begin to sift through its debris. I begin to find shiny things , those I keep. I run across dull, opaque objects that I have to turn this way and that in order to grasp their full value. Sometimes those bits are just crap and I cast them aside. I don’t like to journal about the obvious things that are happening at the moment in my life. Why write about what I am currently living? It’s like watching the same movie for the 100th time and knowing how it’s going to end at minute two of the opening scene. I write when I am in pain because that is where I connect the most with myself.

LEAVING NORMAL

What does it mean to bring a new life into this world?
It means:
To love more
To hate less
To care more
To put an and to carelessness
To say more with fewer words
To put your love into action
And talk less trash
To feel more and stop numbing yourself
To leave your comfort zone
Only to find your trusted comfort zone, was actually more uncomfortable than you thought
You were just too afraid to admit it
To see more and stop turning a blind eye to life
To listen more and stop tuning life out with the noise you choose to filter the world through
To hear with your heart’s ear drum and follow that beat no matter where it takes you
To put away all those things that keep you blind, numb, deaf and dumb….

EVA SANTIAGO copyright 2014

10501777_769575699761505_5184131423701583842_n

10300089_10152210374919527_9112644746047648220_n

Mis Manos

I look at my hands
These hands that touched you first as you entered this life
They’re not extraordinary hands
They’ve not designed rocket ships
They’ve not drafted blue prints for a magnificent work of architecture
They’ve not operated on a human heart or brain
They’ve not touched millions of dollars
They’ve not been adorned with the most expensive of gold, silver and precious stones
They’ve not graced the latest fashion magazine covers
But I’ll tell you what they have done:
They have held babies from sun up ’til sun down
Wiped noses , bottoms and toes
Cooked, I can’t remember how many meals
Sewed, I lost track of the stitches and dresses
Disciplined several naughty toddlers
Wiped away, I forgot how many tears
Written so many words
On countless blank pages
Painted using fingers, brushes and knives
On many a canvas
Cleaned up the clutter
Washed all the clothes
And through it all, these hands that first touched you as you made your grand entrance
Into this great ,big world
Will always touch, caress and comfort you
I’ll hold your hand in mine
Together we’ll both learn of the mysteries of this universe.

EVA SANTIAGO copyright 2014

7heavens

FOR CLARA ISABEL: My Heart’s Song

I sit here with you snuggled close to me
I see you
I hear you
I feel you
And suddenly…
NOTHING
NOTHING
NOTHING else matters ,only this instant in time
More than this?
You know there is not a thing
My heart is exploding with the tiny pieces flying out
To touch God only knows what
And you’re touching me
In a way I never fathomed
My heart is so full
My pen is trembling
My knees are shaking
My heart beat accelerating
True love is here
Had my heart crushed so many times
And chances are it’ll be crushed some more
But one thing’s for certain…
I love you in a certain way
A love I never knew ’til you showed up
But one thing’s for sure, no matter how many more times my heart breaks
It’s ok
For you’re touching me with a new way of love
A certain way of love
A way that makes up for all of the crushing
Oh mi amor
My heart is exploding
And the pieces fly out to touch the expanse of the universe…

EVA SANTIAGO copyright 2014

lil clara 2