Just Believe: Part 8

SET BACKS IN MY JOURNEY.

I have experienced some very low points throughout my battle with kidney failure. I felt like giving up once because it seemed like every time I was closer to getting a kidney transplant, some other new problem would pop up unexpectedly, thereby pushing back my progress. I have lost 5 chances of receiving a kidney because of this.

At one point I found out I was anorexic; I lost 60 lbs in 2 months. I started getting more and more depressed because of my condition so I would work out like a maniac. The only problem with that was that I was burning fuel without replacing it. I would look in the mirror and tell myself I had to stay at a certain weight; so I stopped eating like before only to make my parents and doctors worry more.

Then another time my weight totally went crazy when I was prescribed steroids that were supposed to help stop the bleeding in my lungs. It got to where I hated my whole look and I avoided looking in any mirror because all I saw staring back at me was this ugly, bloated, blow fish character.

My weight issues have messed with me so much that I had to go see a counselor for help. Thankfully, my weight has returned to normal.  I still watch everything I eat and sometimes I feel as if I should lose some weight.

Then there were the terrible mood swings and anxiety attacks I’ve endured. In order to treat the depression that stems from all of my health problems and treatments, the docs prescribed me pills to help me maintain a balanced mood. Well it got so bad at times; I felt like a ticking time bomb on some days, any little thing would cause me to explode just like an unpredictable volcano. I’m sure I was no fun to be around.

I became a human yo-yo and I hated it. So in order to deal with all of this I decided to change my whole image. I lost all the weight and  I tried to boost my ego with tattoos and piercings; I got as many of them as I could believing they would make me feel better about myself, but of course they didn’t because all that is superficial. The inside of me, my spirit man needed healing and no tattoo or piercing was going to heal THAT.

Advertisements

Just Believe:Part7

Just Believe:Part7

I have been living with kidney failure since I was diagnosed with it when I was 14 years old. As I look back , this has put a strain on some of my relationships, especially the ones with my siblings. Being sick all the time has forced my parents to always be focusing on me and I know this made Tony, Amanda and Daniel feel less loved by them and more resentful towards me. At times this has put our love to the ultimate test.

When you’re a kid you don’t see life from the perspective that an adult has. You think you are the center of the universe and everything revolves around you. I have to be honest, at times I did use my illness as a way to get out of doing chores around the house that were my responsibility. I knew my siblings were onto me every time I got by with it and now I hate that I put them through that.

I know now that my parents never favored me; I’m quite sure that if it had been Tony, Amanda or Daniel who was sick instead of me,  they would have done the same for them as they’ve done for me. When I was younger, at first the extra attention was great, but now I’ve grown to despise it because I know everything can’t be about me and when you’re sick, everyone doting on you and constantly worrying gets old at times.

                                                                           

Sometimes I wish I could roll back the clock hands and go back to before all this started. I look at my family and I see that they are as tired of this as me. I’m a pretty basic guy and all I ask for at times is to have a single day when none of us are anxious about any of this and we can all kick back and live one normal day without worries about what lays ahead for me tomorrow.

We’re all grown up now; I moved out of my mom’s house and I live with Daniel in an apartment we share. He still looks out for me just like when we were back home. My sister Amanda always stops in to check on me too. Life is not cured; you learn to manage it or it’ll manage you. I believe I can speak for all of us that we’ve learned, by God‘s grace to manage my living with kidney failure and still find time to love, laugh and live.